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The next challenge

Posted by J(uk) 
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The next challenge
September 01, 2011 09:57PM
The next challenge

After 2 years of keeping my four kids together as a family Zoe my oldest daughter says she wants to go and live with mum.

This is so hard, I recognise her need as a young woman to have time with her mum and have supported her in seeing her mum 7 times a fortnight, yet I feel this decision has big implications for the whole family and that the dream she has been sold is that just a dream.  In fact I feel she is being used as a pawn in a bigger plan.

The bigger plan will be after Zoe has gone to get Aimee to want to go as well thus splitting the family in half the girls with mum and the boys, Daniel who doesn't get on with the new man and Isaac who is too much hard work, with me.

The next phase would be and has already been suggested that Isaac in 3 years time goes into supportive housing, thus allowing the specially adapted house to be sold and divided up

Where is dad in this? I guess everywhere, in the injustice, in the mistakes, in the suffering.  

I guess my prayer is to always be able to see dad with it with me
Re: The next challenge
September 01, 2011 11:12PM
Thanks for letting us know bro'. (((J))) We'll be praying for you and your family.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: The next challenge
September 02, 2011 02:21AM
Hugs J. Sorry you're going thru this.

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/02/2011 02:22AM by dogwoodflwr.
Re: The next challenge
September 02, 2011 02:40AM

I too went through this with my son when he was 14. I also got remarried which made it even tougher. He is 22 now and still lives with his mum. They share a cottage on a farm. The years before I moved from the area were really hard so I can't fully imagine the dynamic with other kids involved. It ain't no picnic that's for sure..

if you ever want to share on skype or oovoo let me know..I do with several others from FBN. So many folks are going though really tough times right now. We usually talk on Sundays...

anyway..I know it's though..the suffering and anxiety of it..I shook my fist more than a few times in papas direction..he understands....the pain is too great for it not to overflow..

Re: The next challenge
September 03, 2011 12:27AM
Hey J. realy sorry to hear that. You've been run through the ringer on this one friend. Keep hanging on to dad. And make sure you're taking advantage of the suporrt of the ones that love you man. Ever need to chat on fb let me know. Later J. Thinking of you.
Re: The next challenge
September 03, 2011 05:26AM
Hey J, Yeh thats a "curve ball". I'll be praying for you as well. Take comfort from His Word for the challenges of this day, He still has so many great promises to look after you and I. Our hearts get pulled and tugged around the most with who we love the most. I pray the family comes to see what really is important in life, love and liberty. And that Jesus is right there with them for with him all things are possible.


Hugs from the 'ol lion...'
Re: The next challenge
September 03, 2011 09:21PM

There are so many questions and permutations of 'what if' in this one.

Is your daughter legally allowed at her age to chose where she lives?
What is her REAL underlying reason for wanting to go?

What are you going to do about holidays, when you need her to look after the others, so you can work?
Will you/do you have to give up your job?

Does Isaac know who you are? And if so, what will putting him in a residential home be telling him?

Is Zoe feeling the pressure of the care-giving and wanting an out?

Can you get extra (practical and financial) assistance now, to help you care for Isaac?
Are you getting all you are entitled to from the State to support YOU?

Where do you want to be in three years?

Will Zoe continue to be brought up in the same ethical and spiritual manner that is important to you? Will she be 'safe' there? If you are the main care-giver then I think you have a huge say in this, as it's usually a fundamental human right in most countries that the parent (not the State) has the choice of bringing their children up in their own beliefs.

IMHO, it is not wrong to want to keep the children together. It is not wrong to want the children to pull together to help look after each other. That's what families do. I am sure there is heaps of research to show that children ought to be kept together where possible.

If Zoe is 'hell-bent' on going to live with mum, can you get her to think of the rules she may have to obey at her mum's place? Perhaps she thinks that it will all be rosey? How will it change her life? Getting to school? Seeing her friends? Curfew? Pocket money? Just grasping at straws here, but if while she is contemplating leaving she is also compelled to think about reality and not fantasy, perhaps some of the answers to the questions may not be as 'rosey' as she once first thought?

Re: The next challenge
September 04, 2011 10:33PM
Yes so many what ifs, last night dan said why isn't anyone considering me, a heart wrench cry, he can't really express how he loves his sister but he does and would so miss her being around. She wants an atmosphere where she has someone commenting on her hair, what she is wearing etc "woman's" stuff that is beyond me and I recognise her need for that which is why she sees mum more than others. Yet she has a strong moral code, reacts strongly against any tv character who cheats has affairs yet because she does not know the truth does not see that in her mum or the man she lives with, the friend who took her mum away.

Zoe imagines that living with mum would be the same as having the quality one one one she gets, but doesn't see she will have to fit in with the needs of new partner or miss her family and is being told how wonderful it will be and that once she is there Aimee her sister will cone to.

Isaac has some learning difficulties but knows he is loved and a part of a family and that I would do anything for him, ruths argument for him going in a supportive home is how will he feel when I am know longer able to look after him and all of a sudden he has to go into a home, my hope was always if something happened to me his mum would step in but that doesn't seem to be the case. Dan has always said Isaac could live with him rather than with a stranger, so I guess I know who has the back bone
Re: The next challenge
September 05, 2011 01:49AM
J, Many prayers for you. God IS there in the darkness and the pain, even when you don't feel Him. Trust His heart when you cannot see His hand. That is hard, that is faith. Impossible for us, even the faith is His gift to us. May God's will be done completely and totally in every member of your family, and may He give you peace in the storm.

W.I.P. (Work in Progress)
Learning to Live LOVED
Re: The next challenge
September 06, 2011 12:30AM
Oh, so so heart-wrenching, J
Like having the wind knocked out of your sails, your anchor thrown in, and realizing you're in rocky waters all at once...
So many unknowns, so many injustices, ... my heart goes out to you...

I was thinking recently about the watch-maker philosophy of God --> that God made the time piece (the world), wound it up, an now just lets it run.... I don't think he's that uninvolved, but I don't think he's orchestrating every detail like I used to believe... Well, anyway I was thinking that perhaps the most important way he intervenes (if not the only way) is that he has relationship with us, and maybe that's enough to change everything. I don't know, I was just thinking....
Where is dad in this? I guess everywhere, in the injustice, in the mistakes, in the suffering.  
I guess my prayer is to always be able to see dad with it with me
Yeah...that Me too
Re: The next challenge
September 26, 2011 10:28AM

I looked at zoes mums plans, and viewed what I believed were the benefits and negatives for all involved and came up with an alternative plan that actually increased the benefits for all, the amount of time Zoe would have with her mum, quality 1 on 1 time with her for all the kids whilst reducing the negatives but my ex Ruth doesn't want to consider it.  She wants to stick with her plan and is influencing Zoe to agree.

Zoe is 16 and is free to choose who she lives with and she has my blessing in what she chooses but it is the implications for the others particularly Aimee that I am concerned about.

Aimee has struggled with abandonment and over the last two years gradually has become settled and is very happy here with me, she once wrote a list of her family which was dan, Zoe, Isaac, me, herself then a line and below the line her mum. I have always fought to keep the kids and Their mum involved with each other.

I don't think Aimee should go and live with her mum simply to make it convenient especially when I have provided an alternative plan that removes that need.

I plan to talk with Zoe on Wednesday eve when we have some 1 on 1 time and see what she really feels, I want to avoid a court battle over who Aimee lives with at all costs not because I fear the result but just the damage caused by the process.

All prayers welcome
Re: The next challenge
September 26, 2011 11:24PM
Papa, I ask that you'd give J, Zoe, and Aimee insight (your sight) into their hearts so they can see what is going on. I ask that you'd bring to the forefront of the minds just how much they love eachother so that every answer and expression can be true, honest, and intended to bring unity. Can't do it without your help, Papa. Thanks.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2011 11:28PM by Theresa7.
Re: The next challenge
September 28, 2011 01:42PM
Prayers for you and your family, J. May God's will be brought first and foremost into this family. Smile on them, Lord, and bathe them in Your light. Show them the next step to take. One at a time.

W.I.P. (Work in Progress)
Learning to Live LOVED
Re: The next challenge
September 28, 2011 06:35PM
J, thinking about your and Zoe's one-on-one time.

[Posted at your 7.35pm Wednesday night winking smiley ]

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2011 06:37PM by Wifey.
Re: The next challenge
September 28, 2011 06:41PM
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: The next challenge
September 29, 2011 03:04AM
Yes indeed, praying for Papa's peace and that He will reveal to each of you, wisdom and grace. Praying for the peace to be able to hear and see the direction that will be best.... each step of the way.
Re: The next challenge
September 30, 2011 01:42PM
The talk with Zoe went well I thought, I told her I was happy for her to have more time with Ruth and for her to have increased responsibility but that it had to be in a way that didn't affect Aimee, she said she just wants us to sort out how it happens.

Then today I get an email from Ruth saying she wants full parental responsibility for both the girls and all the money that goes with it, (not sure she wants all the crap that goes with it though)

On the day of my talk with Zoe my bible in a year was eph 4 about putting on the armour and standing firm. I think that's what I will do but don't think it will be pretty
Re: The next challenge
September 30, 2011 01:48PM
no, not pretty...or easy. It's sort of like fighting and surrendering at the same time isn't it? We are powerless against the enemy but for the armor of God. Stand firm and see the salvation of God at work. Prayers for you, for God to bring heaven to earth in your family: "YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done in J's family, as it is in heaven."

W.I.P. (Work in Progress)
Learning to Live LOVED
Re: The next challenge
October 01, 2011 12:53PM
We all knew that would be Ruth's next move <-- you called it, J.

Papa, please help Zoe to understand how hard this is for Aimee. Please give Zoe your compassion for her siblings and for her dad. Help her to feel how much she is loved with them.
Re: The next challenge
October 17, 2011 09:37PM
I met with Ruth and her mum last Thursday and the upshot is basically she doesn't want to agree to my proposal even though it gives Zoe more time with her than her plan and keeps the quality one on one time with the other kids, simply because it's my plan. Even with her mum telling her it was a step forward for Zoe she was yelling but it's his plan why do I have to always give in to him.

As with all of life the miracle of gods hand is needed, the bottom line is I believe she hates herself or at least what she has done in walking away from the kids, she believes that getting them back even if it's just the girls will give her the wholeness / healing she needs (that only god can give her).
At present her hate is projected onto me and anything I do or say, it's not easy to deal with but I guess until she is in a place where she can look at herself and her actions I will take the flack.

I wish her full complete healing, and that is my prayer and that the kids are protected from the hate she feels and that the best for them can always be worked towards
Re: The next challenge
October 17, 2011 09:53PM
Oh boy J(uk) Group Hug
Re: The next challenge
October 18, 2011 01:39PM
Self honesty is a mostly overlooked, but absolutely vital, ability or quality. Without it, you're doomed to go thru life hurting yourself and other people. At every AA meeting on the planet, this preamble is read:

from AA's "How It Works"
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. There chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
I have witnessed complete transformations in the lives of people who have lost everything due to their own mistakes and addictions, and they all began with self-honesty.

I am praying for self-honesty for Ruth.
Re: The next challenge
October 18, 2011 06:54PM
Yeah...that and I pray for you, and the pain you feel in all of it...Jesus feels the pain with you. Squish

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
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