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Bad (and good) Jokes corner

Posted by onyx 
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Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
October 08, 2010 08:05AM
Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be
very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for
different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him,
"Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.”

Josh Gabon
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
October 29, 2010 11:45PM
We had a quiet evening at the pub and everyone started telling jokes from their youth, just wondered if these were just English jokes

what do you call a man going up and down in the sea?
Bob
what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
what do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug
what do you call a man with no spade in his head?
Dougless
what do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
Russell
what do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim the channel?
Clever dick
what do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
what do you call a fly with no wings or legs?
A currant
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea

not very funny but they are a collection of jokes that almost everyone in England can recite
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 14, 2010 07:04AM
Big Hug!

There was an Irishman, A Scotchman and a Englishman.... sorry im not good at remembering jokes! Rofl
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
January 26, 2011 11:53AM
Childbirth at 65




With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!'

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 02, 2011 02:17PM
A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race… The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the papers read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is …. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life.. ..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 02, 2011 08:04PM
*giggle*
Quote
Naughty Toni
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 03, 2011 12:39AM
i'm not worried about Toni's ass, it's already wild & free
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 22, 2011 09:55PM
I love Jewish jokes they really spin my wheels. ie the ones that are funny, not slighting my friends the Jewish people.


Jewish Restaurant Owner
After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope.

"Is it not true that you are the Messenger of God on Earth?" asks the Jew.

"Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope.

"Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so ON and so on. "So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right."

"Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope.

"Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A. D."
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 26, 2011 02:44AM
LaughingLike it !!

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 01, 2011 12:10PM
A Jewish man Yossi lives into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, Yossi is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Yossi to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on Yossi and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.

The Catholics all rush to the Yossi's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.

He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 01, 2011 12:17PM
I just love Jewish jokes. There sense of humour just spins my wheels
Here's another one:

Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"

Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 01, 2011 05:16PM
Love your Jewish jokes, Eric. Hysterical
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 03, 2011 12:38AM
I have been having difficulties posting comments onto PH. Apparently PH doesnt appreciate me and mey shorts. I have been marked as spam and unable to post. What have I ever done to offend you winking smiley Also I am having problems with the website navigating it is difficutl and choppy. I also have diffulty in seeing what I type... delatyed respnse time, and yes my eyes are open.... HELP!!!!
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 03, 2011 05:29PM
Zinger
We love you zinger we do oh zinger we love you.

Onyx is tech geek and we loves him too we does, it maybe you Internet browser needs updating
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
June 07, 2011 07:59AM
Hi guys, just got back from much-needed break! Zinger, what browser are you using? And what antivirus? If the javascript is being fouled by the antivirus it could account for the difficulties you are having.

At the moment I recommend Google Chrome for web browsing - very fast and stable. And for antivirus: Avira free personal; light and responsive.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 06, 2011 11:04PM
This is hilarious, a LEGO bible:
Lego bible

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.”

Josh Gabon
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 04, 2011 04:48AM
Rofl nice one SDIHG

Here's one a friend told me recently that I can actually remember.

The Mafia Sons Prayer

There was once a Father who had a son. Now the son was desperate for a certain gift he wanted for Christmas one year and the Father not wanting to spoil him for everything he wanted said - No. So the son at night before going to bed, goes into the lounge when no one else is there and takes the family Madonna Statue into his room and lays it on the bed carefully. Then kneeling down beside his bed he says this prayer.

"Jesus if you don't give me what i want for Christmas - Your Mother get it!"
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 04, 2011 02:07PM
Not really a joke but cute and truthful here in the States.

I love Christmas Lights,
They remind me of politicians!
They all hang together,
Half the suckers don't work,
And the ones that do aren't that bright!
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 05, 2011 04:48PM


Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 06, 2011 12:18AM
Haha good one

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 06, 2011 01:40AM


Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce

Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 21, 2012 06:35AM


Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce

Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 21, 2012 06:37AM
An elderly lady sitting next to her husband in church leans over to him and says, "Dear, I just let off a silent fart, what should I do??"

He leans back to her and says,"Change your hearing aid battery!"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
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