Welcome! Log In Create A New Profile House Rules

Advanced

Bad (and good) Jokes corner

Posted by onyx 
Recent Messages
Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:17AM
In this corner, please post jokes that you find funny. But do remember that this is a family-friendly channel, so you may need to be clever about it. Also, if you are offended easily (well, what are you doing here then? winking smiley ), you may want to look at other threads.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:17AM
I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera).

"Don't jump!" I said.

"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."

"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"

"Yes, I believe in God," he said.

"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"

"Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

"Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Auugghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:21AM
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:53AM
A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:55AM
Here's one for all of you who have read The Shack:

The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.

"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."

So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."

"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"

At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:

"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.

"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 01:11PM
Hysterical
I love your jokes Onyx!!!! I sent them immediately to my mom who had surgery this week....I know they will cheer her right up!

I wish I could remember jokes but unfortunately *mind like sieve* when it comes to jokes. Sometimes I remember the whole thing & forget the punchline. I love to hear them though...when they're like yours.

My brother always sends me jokes, most of which I can't repeat in this family friendly forum......but I'll see if I can find some decent ones.
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 08:28PM
The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 18, 2009 09:53PM
Onyx, hey I loved "the shack" one! That was good! I got a "pope joke", my step-dad told me this one.

The pope was running late for an engagment and told his normally extremely slow driver " Dude you really have to speed it up this time..I'm really late!" Driver said " yeah , Ok!" They left and it hadn't been more than a couple of minutes and the driver should no signs of changing. Pope spoke up " Dude you HAVE to drive, I should have been there ten minutes ago." " ok, OK!" came the reply.
Few minutes latter same thing, " you really need to speed it up, said Pope, " Ok, I got you," said the driver.
Another few minutes, the Pope said "that's it stop the car!" He got out pened the front door and tld the driver to get out and get in the back, the pope was going to drive! They got on the road once again, Pope gunned it and not a two miles down the road heard sirens behind them. " Oh Lovely!" said the Pope, stoppning and rolling down his window as the officer approached. " License and registration please" the officer without looking up. Pope hand it to him, the officer looked at him and immediately snatched up his radio. " sarg,...um, I got a character here who was going 30 over the speed limit, but i don't think we should ticket him."
" I don't CARE WHO IT IS!"... the sarg came back. " Really Sarg, I'm telling you, it REALLY won't be a good idea!"
"YOU GIVE THAT MAN A TICKET YOU HEAR ME......." the sarg yelled
SARG YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS GUY'S DRIVER IS THE POPE!!!!"
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 29, 2009 07:47PM
I was looking for example to give a client of 403/404 page errors and stumbled across this one which I won't send them but thought fitting for here:

[www.larknews.com]
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
November 29, 2009 08:25PM
that was great! LOL!Funny Post!
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 02, 2009 07:59PM


FAIL!!!

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce

Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
December 02, 2009 08:01PM


Refreshing Honesty

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce

Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 12, 2010 07:08AM
two nuns are driving through Transylvania on a dark and stormy night. As they drive past a great big mansion, suddenly out of nowhere a dwarf vampire jumps onto the car bonnet and flares his teeth at the nuns. Of course the are shocked and the nun on the passenger seat shrieks to the other "sister Agatha, swerve a few times, maybe he'll fall off!" Sister A swerves dangerously but the dwarf vampire is clinging on to the windshield wipers... "turn on the wipes sister Agatha!" screams sister Beatrice--- this also does not help, "slam on the breaks sister Agatha!" again, the dwarf is hanging on growling at the two sisters when finally sister Agatha said to sister Beatrice: " He's a vampire, show him your cross!"
whereupon sister B rolls down the car window and yells at the vampire: "get off the *§$%% car you little §%&"§$!!!"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 12, 2010 07:15AM
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer: "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

At that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

-----

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I know what's best!" God replied. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

"Did TOO!" Adam then rounded on the Father. "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God decided to discipline them by giving them children of their own. And He created adolescence.

-----


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

------


Conversation between God and Adam…

Adam: God.

God: Yes my beloved!

Adam: I want to thank you for all the fruits to eat and all the animals for company.

God: It is all for you because I love you!

Adam: I specially want to thank you for Eve.

God: I made her to be by your side and be your best companion!

Adam: You made her so beautiful and sweet.

God: So you can love her!

Adam: But I want to know something…

God: What is it?

Adam: Why did you make her so dumb?

God: So she could love you…

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 12, 2010 07:22AM
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 12, 2010 07:25AM
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 12, 2010 11:47AM
Rofl Nothing to add

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
February 20, 2010 09:56PM
Love the Nun jokes esp!!
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 17, 2010 02:57AM
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 17, 2010 03:01AM
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 25, 2010 08:44PM
Jewish grandad is being questioned by his grandson

Grandad "Are you very old?"

Grandad looks at him and says, "Yossi, have you heard of the Dead Sea?"

"I have", says Yossi

Well Yossi says Grandad, "I was there when it was only sick"............
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 25, 2010 11:32PM
Laughing

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
March 25, 2010 11:59PM
Haha good one , skinnydip! Anytime you want to throw a good joke our way, just go ahead on.

and hey, welcome! Nice to see a new ... uh .... skinnydipper!grinning smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 03, 2010 10:30PM
Real Church Bloopers...

· Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

· Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

· Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.


· This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

· Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

· A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

· At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

· The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

· Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

· The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

· Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

· 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

· The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

· Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

· Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/03/2010 11:07PM by onyx.
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 03, 2010 10:30PM
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 03, 2010 10:42PM
onyx - cant find the smiley (hand slap on forehead)
Haha good one
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 03, 2010 11:02PM
Now I know how to respond if someone should ask why I don't go to church. I'm in the secret service!
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 03, 2010 11:21PM
Love it!!

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 13, 2010 10:51PM
It just gets better here second time around Rofl
Re: Bad (and good) Jokes corner
April 19, 2010 12:11AM
My son told me this.....

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?????


...... A roamin' Catholic (Roman Catholic) Hysterical
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.

Click here to login

Online Users

Guests: 13
Record Number of Guests: 987 on June 05, 2015
Hosted by DownTownHost