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Falling short of the bar

Posted by Theresa7 
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Falling short of the bar
September 18, 2011 11:12PM
Even the metaphor "Falling short of the bar" implies that there is something to be achieved. A level, a standard, a goal.... Well, even if that bar is self-inflicted, its depressing when I fall short of it...

Today, I copped out of a family function. My side of the fam is tiny and far away from Kentucky. My only sister lives in Japan and the rest of my family (Mom, Dad, Uncle, Aunt, and cousin) is on the West side of Montana. My hubby's entire family (20+ at most functions) is less than 2 hours away. Today was the "Dedication" of a grand-niece. I was ready and going, but after 20 minutes on the freeway with another hour to go, traffic had slowed to a crawl, and even though I could still make it (probably) on time, I got off the freeway and turned back. I used the traffic as an excuse, but anyone who knows me knows that wasn't it. I just didn't want to go. I had other things I wanted to do. I'm not really sure why I didn't push through and do it...

I didn't have a gift. I forgot my insulin and we were supposed to have lunch afterward. They wouldn't really miss me. They only really wanted my husband (their favorite -- and only) uncle to be there (he's out of the country). It was a church function and ... well, how do I go and support them in something that could be really twisted... (don't know, 'cause I didn't go...) Honestly, I think the biggest thing is that I don't want to hold the baby. Yeah, I think that's mostly it.

In 2005, I had a miscarriage and lost twins. 2 months later, a niece had a baby. We went to visit them and they were passing around the baby. My hubby held him and then offered him to me. I just couldn't. My hubby asked me "Why not?" in front of everyone. I think everyone there knew why not, and I don't think they were offended like my husband seemed to be. He just forgot. Now, that same niece just found out she is having triplets. They were married a month after we were, and soon they will have 5 children..

I turned 38 this year. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. Other than taking care of my dog and having a house now that I can invite people to...?? .... but I'm getting off the point...

So, this family bar.... I just feel bad that I didn't go. And yet a part of me is glad I didn't go. I hope no one is upset. I just didn't want to. I want to love and support them, I just can't help but ache for what I don't have...

Feeling like a failure in so many ways.... (but, don't worry, choosing life nonetheless.)TMI !

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2011 04:29PM by Theresa7.
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 02:31AM
You know what? Good for you that you didn't go! They will get over it. Give yourself the grace to get better. And whilst you do, I recommend this book : [www.amazon.co.uk] ; although he focuses too heavily on drugs as the answer, everything else he says is good...and some of it is worth reproducing for family and friends so that they give you the room you need.


Feeling like a failure in so many ways....
Yep, I know that feeling so well, it's like an ever present buddy. But it's nobody's buddy. It's a little liar that likes to point out our weaknesses, and exaggerate the importance of them, as if we were supposed to be something more than what we are. I'm learning to stand up to my 'buddy' and tell him that Papa loves me, and he has a plan and a purpose for me, even in the shape I am in. Because the way I am is how Papa has had me be, right here and right now. Am I going to call him a failure for making such utter trash? Erm ... no.

Grace , T, Grace. Let it be yours in abundance. Big Hug! And do check out what vitamins might be missing from your diet... I am amazed at the fact that I feel like a 20-year old (i'm 40) just because I've started taking the right stuff for me; B complex, B12 injections (ask the doc'), C, D, Magnesium. You will need to do some research into the foods that you have, and the RDAs for the vitamins you should have, and whether you are getting them. If you have coffee...get rid of it, you'll feel much better. Once you start taking those, let us know how you feel...I'm betting 19 winking smiley

But most of all, in case I haven't said it before; Grace. We love you. You love you too, okay?

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 04:21AM
Hi Theresa7 Group Hug

Recently prior to meeting Onyx's parents for a family 'do', I started reading a book, "Family heaven, family hell : how to survive the family get-together / Jo Ellen Grzyb."

I liked the title but in reality the book went on and on for me and I didn't finish it - would have preferred the One Minute version!

Jo Ellen suggests that the dynamics at family get-togethers are a combination of the unwritten rules that exist and the roles that we play. Family get together's are more like a perpetually rehearsed stage plays than real life.

[She even suggests for those who are willing to give it a go, playing roles at family get-togethers that are totally different from the one that we usually do, and see what the results are!]

I definitely know that she would support the concept of not going to that family do, as you chose to. smiling smiley The important thing is that you made a choice.

There are reasons why you chose to turn around and go home, and how you feel is VALID.


You are allowed to avoid situations that make you uncomfortable because you realise why they make you uncomfortable. You are allowed to 'protect' yourself.

The bar is so arbitrary. Not even the people that unknowningly put it there, realise it's there, for the most part. Perhaps the bar is even being mis-interpreted as something we have to rise up and over, rather than a lintel to walk under and through?!!

There is nothing that I can say to heal the loss of your two little ones, but please know I understand. I would hold you while you cried for the 1000th time, wipe away your tears while we have a cuppa on the front porch, pick up the broken crockery that you want to throw, if I could be there for you.

I know what it is like to be told I will never have children. I know what it is like to lose a little one (several times over) and grieve their future. That grief is real and deep and often 'hidden' - others do not see it.

I am concerned for you Theresa7 that this grief still seems quite strong for you still. Have you had any counselling for it? Perhaps you may feel like sharing more about it here?

Luv Theresa7 Luv
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 04:45AM
Yeah...that Nice post my darling!

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 02:34PM
Very good posts, above.Good Post!Yeah...that
I also want to validate your choice, Theresa. Your thoughts and choices are GOOD because they are YOURS. If only we could get out from under the tyranny of having to defend ourselves and our thoughts and choices to others. They just ARE. You can only do your best, and you did that.
I am preaching to myself just as much here.
Please know that I too can empathize with your loss of little ones, I have experienced that as well. Not in the same way as you, to be sure... but I do know the ache. (((((Theresa)))))
I am glad to hear you say you are choosing LIFE. Regardless. It is a gift from God, each moment.
GRACE to you dear sister.
Next time we see a bar that we are expected to leap over, let's get down and dance the limbo under it just to show them that there is more than one way to get past a barrier.
I am dealing with a rejection email I received yesterday regarding the sale of my hand crafted little bears in the North American Bear Center. It was a lovely dream I had, to be able to work from home...being creative...ah, well, another one of those helium balloon dreams to cut the strings off and release up to the Lord. I am feeling sad and disappointed today tho.

W.I.P. (Work in Progress)
Learning to Live LOVED
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 08:03PM

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce

Re: Falling short of the bar
September 19, 2011 10:38PM
i dont know how this fits but feel it does.

Yesterday i started decorating a room in our house, i dont do diy, and now wonder why i started, it looks like an ape painted it, and is half finished, im not sure finishing it will make it any better, i guess i have in my head an idea of the perfect finished room but my expectations are not up to my ability. may be the bar is too high, do i have ideals i can not reach.

i listened to a mars hill podcast while i painted, Rob bell talking about how we can love with the same love as christ, which is the same as saying we can paint with the same ability as picaso (he has seen my diy). i guess the crux comes in letting go or us and our ability and allowing christ to work through us. Some days that will be the victorious christ others it will be the suffering christ, but it was the suffering that brought victory and maybe we shouldnt shy away from showing that side.
Re: Falling short of the bar
September 20, 2011 12:19AM
i listened to a mars hill podcast while i painted, Rob bell talking about how we can love with the same love as christ, which is the same as saying we can paint with the same ability as picaso ...
Hysterical Well said. I needed that...

Thanks all so much for your support. I think the loss of my little ones is exacerbated these days because I still have none and we are both getting to the age where it may be too late. It brings up my weight, my diabetes, and my life expectancy.

Huh. Good phrase: Life - Expectancy. (interesting...)

(((Wifey))) Thanks for your suggestion about seeing a counselor. I've been thinking about that. But not necessarily to hash out or heal from the past, but to hash out what I want for the future, verses what is possible. You see, I think my present distress is a grief for what may never be; its a grief for the future, not the past.
But I don't even know if the things that I fear will even come true. I think I need to sit down with my hubby and decide some stuff together. Set some goals, if that's what we both want. Then at least I'll be dealing with a reality rather than a vague fear.

Love you guys. Group Hug
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