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Posted by J(uk) 
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June 24, 2011 09:44PM
I had a letter from Ruth my ex's solicitor last week asking me to consent to divorce on grounds of 2 years separation, (ok it is a month early!!) it threw me as I had wrongly assumed that having been separate for 2 years she could just apply for divorce, but no it has to be mutual, and this has thrown me big time.

A) it's not mutual because I have not wanted it to be over and b) because I took vows before god that to me mean something.

Please hear me I am only speaking for me, I am not in anyway judging anyone who has got divorced or is getting divorced, I am not even judging Ruth.

I have been left with three options, 1) agree to mutual consent 2) not agree then Ruth has to wait another 3 years to divorce due to 5 years separation or 3) the more likely case Ruth making up grounds for divorce which I would have to accept, prior to this point her solicitor has told her she had no grounds.

I guess my initial reaction was to say I would go for option three, to which my solicitor looked at me strangely and said you would rather admit to something  you didn't do than give mutual consent.  I have talked with good friends and I guess I have been challenged over where grace, love and pride fit in; and got a real sense of the prodigal son story, where the father didn't want to give his son his inheritance didn't legally have to but chose to out of grace. (and I am not bringing that parable in because I feel either I need to wait on the doorstep for Ruth to come back, or that she will)

So I may contact my solicitor next week and accept the mutual consent, all comments welcome, and prayers for peace in this decision
Re: Divorce
June 25, 2011 08:59AM
Prayinging for you bro'.

There is an old saying, "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Or something like that. Papa modeled that love by first dying so that we wouldn't have to, and waiting for us to realise it was all so that we could be with him.

So I guess I am saying that you should go for option 4; Give her and her lawyer a letter stating that this is a permission for her to do what she wants with her life; including divorce if she wishes; BUT that you accept no fault in the decision, as it is hers to make, not yours, and is not your desire. That therefore sets her free (at least in real terms; the law may still want things another way - don't let them force you into any decision contrary to your heart), and so she has no more right to hold anything against you.

So don't accept the mutual consent; it is lying to yourself for expediency. Also, what are your children going to think about you following such a plan? Won't that make them think that Daddy didn't want Mummy around any longer? (Not saying it will, just looking at everyone involved!)

Hard decisions, man! May God give you strength in this battle!

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Divorce
June 25, 2011 02:08PM
J, I have no right or wrong answer for you. But I have a Angel Hug for you. I the last one to ever think, I would be was divorced but I am. When I got married I believed it was forever but things change and so do people. I stayed around for alot longer than I should have (long story). Ask yourself one question how wasyour and the kids life before and now ? I hope you find the answer that is right for you and your kids. They are the best gifts that Papa has to give IMHO. Take care.

News flash:
God is not angry with you. He loves you.
If you don't believe that,
or think it's too good to be true,
or that I'm making it up - ask Him! smiling smiley

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2011 02:11PM by dogwoodflwr.
Re: Divorce
June 25, 2011 02:19PM
I do think grace has a lot to do with this. Grace is undeserved love, and in a strange way, I think agreeing to mutual consent is a way to give grace to Ruth. It's a sacrificial thing to do, because you're laying down your right to have it your way.

Like the dad in the prodigal son parable, it went against that dad's principles as well, to give the full inheritance to the son who he knew would harm himself with it. The son had deeply hurt and insulted his dad by even asking for the inheritance early; it was the ultimate rejection; it was as good as saying "I wish you were dead". The dad could have said "You'll have to wait until I'm dead" and been within his rights. But he laid down his rights. And loved right in the face of rejection.

It would be very Jesus-like to agree to mutual consent, I believe. Yes, I know all about the vows and that you made them for ever. And that it seems like a sell-out of your principles to let her have her divorce. I'm wondering though, about the covenants God made with people throughout history -- the one he made with Noah, the one he made with Abraham, the one he made with Moses. These were love covenants too, and wasn't the response of the people every time, "we want a divorce"? Instead of blasting them, instead of standing there with his arms folded -- he made one last love covenant where he opened up his arms and died. In the face of abandonment and rejection from the ones he had promised himself to so many times.
Re: Divorce
June 28, 2011 04:16PM
Just because.... I looked up "consent"   [kuhn-sent]
–verb (used without object)
1. to permit, approve, or agree; comply or yield (often followed by to or an infinitive): He consented to the proposal. We asked her permission, and she consented.
2. Archaic . to agree in sentiment, opinion, etc.; be in harmony.
3. permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence: He gave his consent to the marriage.
4. agreement in sentiment, opinion, a course of action, etc.: By common consent he was appointed official delegate.
5. Archaic . accord; concord; harmony.

Obviously, the "archaic" meanings don't fit (#2, #4,and #5), because divorce is not your "heart/desire".
But #1 and #3 sound like grace to me. (Even our saviour doesn't make us have relationship if we don't want it. )

If making her wait 3 more years would increase her love or bring her to her senses, then I'd say Go For THAT option. But more than likely, it would drive a wedge between you and she would just be angry(/angrier). (She's already applying early, right?)

My heart goes out to you J. (BTW -- I'm sure your kids know how much you love them and their mom, but it might be good to explain your decision to them.)
Re: Divorce
June 28, 2011 09:21PM
Thanks all for the comments, have asked for some thinking time, I guess it's one of those difficult decisions
Re: Divorce
June 30, 2011 02:43PM

I truly feel for you having gone through this as well in the 90's.I can't offer anything but some perspective that I myself tried to wrestle out. Everyone has their own event.

I decided to let go. And my ability and wish to hold on and be faithful was still served and seen. And I was able to be at peace with it. There was much to consider..even with my son and all the aspects of that. Share when you can cause it's way too tough to endure alone and you have a terrific bunch of on-line friends here.

No matter what you decide or lean towards....I do believe that the Lord will restore the years and what the locusts have eaten.

peace too you..I know it's brutal. I wish I was there to share a pint with you.


Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/30/2011 02:45PM by radio roswell.
Re: Divorce
July 18, 2011 10:03PM
To let you all know I have instructed my solicitors to give Ruth what she wants, it's not mutual even though that's what it says on the paper. But hey I had no other option in the end well none that would not have caused further dispute. I am waiting for the time where I don't feel love or responsibility for her, I am not sure signing a bit of paper will do that, maybe that's something dad needs to do.
Re: Divorce
July 19, 2011 10:07PM
May Papa bring you peace in the knowledge that Ruth is now solely his responsibility and care.
((( J )))

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- Lenny Bruce
Re: Divorce
July 22, 2011 09:30PM
J- Group Hug

from a man in pj's and dressing gown! - 'botha' had to go to the front door and talk to someone! eek its 9.30am (sat)

I know that Father is right there with you J and the kids too - I pray that the He will shine a little more light on the path right now and give you peace.

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