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Still learning.

Posted by Ginny 
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Still learning.
November 17, 2010 10:41PM
In response to C Shell's 'Speech! Speech! So what have I learned?' questions (from the Prayer Closet)... here is a small portion (although, I suspect it may be long - so you may want to grab a coffee and doughnut first).

This week I had taken the huge step of telling my immediate manager at work, that I was thinking of applying for a different position within the company, which was coming available in February. This position is more in line with an area of work that I would like to move into, being 'Compliance and Training Manager'. Yet, it isn't exactly the 'perfect' job I had in mind, wanting a more hands-on approach to training/teaching/speaking (but not a school teacher).

(Ok - here's were it is going to get l-o-n-g so get comfy)....

Here's where's it at (background stuff) - I was never a career-minded gal, believing (of my own volition) that my role as a mother was to look after my children. So even before Mark and I married, I told him we would be home schooling (yes, told him smiling smiley ) So, for the past 17 years, I have been actively involved with our boys' education. I have spent the past 4.5 years working on checkout, and now am a senior Customer Services Supervisor, working five nights each week, so I have been able to still educate our boys at home while working to supplement our income. I decided a (good) few years back that when the youngest had four years left of his homeschooling, then that would be my time to begin some part-time study, so when he left to go to university or enter the workplace, I would be ready too.

Last year I completed a basic study skills course, and thought I had better also get official recognition for the computer stuff I already know (word processing, file management blah blah blah).

In the meantime, I have been putting myself through the wringer as to what it is I am 'meant' to be doing with my life. I know the areas I am good in/at, and know what would make me jump out of bed each morning... but somehow they don't all fit together, or... there is nothing available.... or I don't have the necessary qualifications, even though I have the skills or natural talent. AAAAAAargh! It is incredibly frustrating.

So, this all brings me back to this week. I spoke to my manager, who was completely pole-axed. He said he didn't want to lose me - actually - he was visibly shaken. (It made be feel GREAT - what validation!!) He said he would speak to the HR chap, and would advocate for me, as he believed I was more than capable of doing the job. Long story short, there is someone else at work who has all the qualifications, etc, who has applied for the job, and is who they actually want for the job. All very political really. Anyway - I had lost much sleep over this role as it would have meant Mon-Fri 9-5 - which means the boys would have to do their schooling by themselves, with me coming home in the evenings to debrief, mark etc. Also, was I truly capable of the role, would I struggle... ? Oh the mental gymnastics. So after finding out that there is really no point formally applying for the position, I was disappointed but pragmatic, as I had also asked if I could do some papers through work, to which I have had a resounding YES! So... I get to continue homeschooling, work, AND study. Here's the rub though - I will be given Management papers (among others) - with the potential then to move on to that role in the Customer Service desk or somewhere else within the company, but ....... I don't want to be a manager. My skills lie in other areas. I'm going to do the papers though - I would be foolish to decline. Who knows (in reality) where it will take me.

Now my (somewhat one-sided) conversation with God this week has been about what to do, give me some direction (He had given me two quite distinct areas - twice each within the space of a week - one totally left field - but this was about three - four weeks ago. Then this opportunity arose.

So now my angst has been this....... do we actually have a free will? If we are 'meant' to be doing something, doesn't that contradict or contravene our own choices, if they eventually lead back to what He wants for us in the first place? Where's the free will in that? Should I just wait passively waiting for opportunity to come knocking, or do I run around like a mad chicken until God smacks me up the side of the head? Are we all just little puppets? I mean, really - aaaaargh! All this was running around in my head as I lay in bed last night (hugging my teddybear as Mark is away). I wasn't even really talking to God (or 'praying') - just thinking really. And then this song/scripture just popped into my head............

......... the steps of a good man, are ordered by the Lord, and He delighteth in His way. Though he fall, though he fall, he shall not be cast down, for the Lord delighteth in His way.

Needless to say - I stopped thinking then, and went to sleep - knowing that although I am not 'good' - God had answered me. As I was almost asleep - I was thinking about how to find the path...... and remembered the one about God's Word being a lamp unto my feet.... then today, looked to the bottom of the screen here, where it shows users online, and my eyes traveled to the scripture below.... now I usually don't read it ... but guess what it says.....

Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” (Psalm 119:105)

Thank you Papa for showing me that you do indeed love me!!
Re: Still learning.
November 18, 2010 01:48PM
Oh, what a fabulous story Ginny, it really inspires me today!

I've asked this too, about a jillion times
ingenious ginny
Should I just wait passively waiting for opportunity to come knocking, or do I run around like a mad chicken until God smacks me up the side of the head?
and I've still not come up with a definitive answer. That scripture that came into your head just happens to be my FAVORITE verse, and I like one version where it's translated, "though he fall he will not be hurled headlong, because it is the Lord who holds his hand." I would differ with you about you "not being good".... and just say that Jesus made you good, pronounced you good just as loudly and proudly as he did about all the other things he made "in the beginning"....so you definitely qualify as a delight to the Lord!

I think your strong-mindedness and determination are just wonderful. Homeschooling all day, then working every evening?! Wow! I see you like on a stage, and there is a spotlight where you're standing, and when another spotlight appears, you jump over into it, and it leads to the next spotlight, and so on. All you have to do is follow the spotlights, because Papa is the light-master.
Re: Still learning.
November 18, 2010 08:51PM
Ginny I think the heart of the matter is the matter of the "Heart" - His heart for you. ((((Ginny)))

Re: Still learning.
January 09, 2011 09:53PM
AAAAArgh - still much angst running around in my head - not content to just 'wait' for direction.

I'm my own worst enemy - the reality is, there is still four years for me to upskill - as I don't really want to work/study outside of the home during the day - it's unfair to my youngest (and the other two) while he is still being 'schooled'.

I just feel I need to redeem the time - part-time study or whatever..... but I cannot settle into a decision of exactly what it is that I am meant to be doing. Study costs money - and I'm not prepared to borrow/spend to do a course only to find out I hate it or that it's not for me.

I know I 'should' just be content that I am currently employed, I don't have to change my job now (and it's a fairly secure job), it suits our lifestyle etc etc. But I'm soooo frustrated at not having any clear direction. I don't know - maybe I'm just that Martha personality, feeling the need to run around doing something, instead of just enjoying the journey - enjoying each moment. C Shell - I'm not content just to follow the spotlight - I want to see the whole stage - (I sooo miss my theatre days) - I want, nay 'need' to see the whole picture. I want to see that my life will take some direction. I don't want to spend the next 20 years working in a supermarket - I want to know what I am meant to be doing, even if that knowledge scares me. I have this pressing need to know what I should be doing now to make the future happen. Yeek - how demanding - I just really need Papa's peace to know that He does have a plan for me and that I'm not going to 'waste' my life working where I am now.
Re: Still learning.
January 09, 2011 11:37PM
Sorry if this sounds patronising waffle, but i am not sure you can waste a life given, created, molded by god, maybe you need to ask for eyes to see how productive your life is now, you are not just working in a supermarket and that is far from who god sees you as, we are beings not doings. I get the feeling that we get caught up in what we are meant to be, but the only meant to be i can see, is meant to be loved. If god is loving you there is no waste.

I know your life is complicated time wise, but maybe drama rather than work is an openning that god wants you to look at right now.
Re: Still learning.
January 10, 2011 01:01AM
Thanks J - yeah - maybe my perspective is a little screwed - need to see things how God sees them.

Re drama - yeah - if I move into the area of training - that will certainly bring out my theatrical side .Happy Dance ... however.... I get a real buzz fixing broken equipment at work too. Ah, the complexities of life.

Still learning to live loved.
Re: Still learning.
January 10, 2011 12:11PM
I really like what J said. He's said as much to me as well, as I've been angst-ing about my life. And Ricy, I got the same thought he did: drama. Community theatre?
Re: Still learning.
January 11, 2011 01:26AM
Thanks for the feedback - but more especially - thanks to all who have been praying.

You know that Peace that passes all understanding....? Well - I think I got some yesterday. The agony I have been putting myself through seems to have abated ... and it can only be through prayer. I don't have any answers or direction, but somehow I am okay with the fact that I am where I am meant to be (workwise) and God will reveal His plan in His time, and that I need not worry about tomorrow. From a worldly perspective - that's crazy - but if I am to believe that HE orders my steps (as He reminded me he does), and delights in my ways, then I should stop running around in circles trying to go before Him, and just allow myself to learn how to live loved, and somehow on the journey, show Jesus' love to others along the way.

So.... watch this space (as now that I have taken myself out of the picture, He has the freedom to move) Happy Dance
Re: Still learning.
January 11, 2011 11:47PM
Beautiful, Ruth! that he's given you such a peace. I take inspiration from the insights you are sharing. He is doing something similar in me, calming me down after a season of teeth-gnashing about my "meaningless" life. What I'm getting is that there is so much more to me, to you, to everything, than we can see with our limited and biased vision. and though I don't know what that looks like yet, I can trust that Papa does, and he can expand my vision to see what he sees. So I'm to treat myself with grace and kindness, the way he does. And keep my eyes, ears, heart and life wide open.
Re: Still learning.
January 12, 2011 02:42AM
Oh C shell - I"m booking some time with you when we get to Heaven!!! It looks as though we will have much to share Angel Hug

It's just as well I had that peace yesterday as there is much malicious gossip concerning me at work. All of it groundless - but the hatred that is being projected towards me is tangible. However, I am strangely dis-affected. I can see through all the lies and actually feel sad for these women who feel so threatened by me (I'm all of 5ft 1 inch). Their inability to work to the standard that is set before them (they are supervisors too, but one step lower than me), means that they are now trying to put me down and cause trouble for me, just to make them 'look better'. Appraisals are due in the next couple of months, and they are panicking - hence the behaviour. I now jokingly say 'I'm off to kindy (preschool) now' as I walk out the door.

Please continue to pray for me - that the darts of fire aimed towards me are extinguished, and that the Holy Fire/Spirit within me will shine through. I would also appreciate prayers that God would shut my mouth when the flesh wants to retort - no point giving the enemy ammunition.
Re: Still learning.
January 13, 2011 02:41AM
Sorry you have to live in that kind of petty stupidity. may Papa make you better, not bitter.
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